Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azzkaban
by Nikkei
Summary: Hedwig's missing, Ron's rich, nude photos of Sirius and gutter mouth textbooks. My little version of the 3rd book:) not sure if this should be rated R
1. Holy flying textbooks

Disclaimer: I don't anything relating to Harry Potter. All of that is owned by the Great Supreme Being known as J.K Rowling.  
  
Hello people and thank you for coming to read my first attempt at a Harry Potter humour fic. I've haven't been on FF.net in quite a long time and during that time I've became a fan of Harry Potter. It feels like I'm new to this world. So I hope you enjoy this fic, now go on read.  
  
  
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azzkaban.  
  
  
It was nearly midnight as Harry laid flat on his stomach doing his homework, careful as to not wake the Dursley's. But that was not the only thing nagging him. It was the fact that he had to do homework over the summer. This is summer vacation right? His professors gave him more homework over the summer than in a whole year, especially the greasy haired, crooked nosed, pale skinned bastard professor Snape. With the amount of homework that Snape has given him, he's practically writing a novel.  
  
"Stupid Snape." he muttered under his breath. Then out of nowhere Snape apparated in his room.   
"10 points from Griffindor." Then disappated out of thin air.   
"Damn it!"  
  
Angrily, Harry put all his wizard stuff away under the broken floorboard. He stood up and stared out his window looking at the moon, then turned away when the moons glare were beginning to hurt his eyes. Then out of nowhere something crashed into him, which sent him skidding across the floor.   
He looked up and noticed it was Errol along with two other owls that were carrying packages and letters. Harry carelessly ripped the package off of Errol's neck and two letters dropped out. Harry then saw the unmistakable wizard newspaper the Daily Phophet. He picked up the newspaper and read:  
  
Ministry of Magic Scoops Grand Prize  
  
Arthur Weasley, head of the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts office at the ministry of had won the annual Daily prophet Grand Prize Galleon Draw. The prize money consisting of 500,000,000,000,000,000  
Galleons. That lucky Bastard.  
  
Harry looked at the moving photograph and saw the Weasley family on a cruise ship having fun, especially Ron who was sporting baggy jeans, a bandana on his head and the biggest platinum medallion with the capital letter R that Harry has ever seen, dangling around his neck, while holding a bottle of champagne while women in tight bikini's were dancing around him. One of the women were swinging Scabbers around in the air by his tail. Harry can tell that Ron was having fun.  
  
"They don't have more money than me." Harry muttered as he put the newspaper away picked up Ron's letter and began reading it.  
  
Dear Harry,  
Happy Birthday! Can you believe it? We're rich!!! When my dad found out he won he went through four multiple heart attacks in under an hour. You should of seen the look on his face, it was hilarious. We have to hurry up and stop laughing and take him to St. Mungos or he would of died and the money would of been giving to somebody else. I've brought you something and I want you to wear it when we go to Hogwarts. You wouldn't believe the kind of stuff my dad's going to get me.  
He's going to get me a new wand, new robes, a new broomstick, a cell phone, a muggle car, a muggle stereo, my own movie theatre, my own candy factory.............  
  
Rons list went on and on. The list was so long, it would take Harry days to finish. Harry quickly put down the letter and went on to read Hermoine's letter.  
  
  
Dear Harry,  
Happy Birthday, Ron had told me all about how rich he is. Did you see the picture in the newspaper. That basturd!! Why didn't he take me along?! I wanted to learn about the interior design on that cruise ship but instead I have to go on this stupid trip to France with my parents. I know that you've always wanted to come to France Harry, but you ain't missing much. It's nothing over here but croissants and french fries. But that's beside the point, Harry I've gotten you a present, hope you like it.  
  
Harry picked up Hermoine's package and opened only find a very heavy book called 50,000 ways to make Croissants. He put down the book and picked up another letter which was from Hagrid.  
  
Dear 'arry  
Happi, berthdai ai summat. Eh gat ya summat fer nex yea. Eh' hope thos 'unkers ar treeting you weel.  
  
Harry put down Hagrids letter and picked up a package that was in the shape of a book. He opened the book and studied it for a bit and came upon the title The Monsterous book of Monsterly Monsters and where to find them.......Monsterly.  
Harry put the book down to begin reading his other letter, then stopped when he heared a voice.   
  
"Hey you, four eyes." Harry turned around and saw Hagrids book standing up and facing him, sharp teeth baring at him.  
"Who me?"   
"Yeah you, you dumbass. Your the only one in this Goddamn room, you fucking prick?" Harry stared at the talking textbook like it was on something.  
"Well I'm not the only one in this room, incase you haven't notice I have an owl with me."  
"Well who the fuck else would I be calling four eyes?" The book shouted back at him.  
"Hello, the owl has glasses too." Harry shouted. The book looked up and saw Hedwig in her caged with glasses on moving her head back and forth like stevie wonder.  
"Who the fuck are you to be putting glasses on a damn turkey?" Harry became very angry with the books insults.  
"Well who are you to be calling my owl a turkey?"   
"That is a goddamn turkey goddammmit, maybe yer fucking glasses ain't working if you look closely at the cage you damn prick."  
  
Harry look at the cage closely noticing that it was indeed a turkey was inside the cage, no wonder Hedwig was afraid to fly out the window, and what the hell happened to Hedwig? Harry turned around and stared angrally at the book. He had been proven wrong by a textbook, a gutter mouth textbook.   
  
"Heh, heh. Ain't so smart are you, you pussy ass." Another insult came from the book again. Harry couldn't take it anymore as he went for the textbook. Before he was able to grab it the book jumped out the way doing a 360 and landing on the dresser.  
"So you want a piece of me eh, well come get me you fucking basturd. I'll bite off your dick before you even lay one of your little pussy ass fingers on me."  
"I DO NOT HAVE PUSSY ASS FINGERS!!!" Harry grabbed the book on the dresser and the two begin to wrestle on the floor. For a book it was quite strong. The book trying to bite his face off while Harry was tearing out it's pages. He flung the book on the bed. The book threw hisself at Harry like a frisbee and everything went into slow motion. Harry bend over backwards as the book headed towards him the room spinning in the process.(A/N: Matrix if some of ya haven't noticed) The book barely missed his nose as it hit the door on the impact.   
"Damn it, a paper cut." Harry said as he touched his nose. The book got up and started running towards   
harry again.  
"Hedwig go get it." The book stopped at Harry's stupid outburst.  
"That isn't your damn owl you dumbass."  
"Of course it wasn't, it was just a diversion." and with that Harry found the time to kick the book. He kicked the book so hard that it bounced all over the place knocking everything over in the progress. The book landed in front of him pages ripped out and beat up.  
"Now who's the dumbass" Harry became very happy after his battle with the gutter mouth textbook and started doing his victory dance. Harry stopped when he heared his door open and an angry looking uncle vernon behind it.  
"WHAT THE HELL IS ALL THAT NOISE?!?!?" Harry stood there awkwardly noticing the damage that he and the book had caused.  
"Nothing"  
"Oh" Then he slammed the door leaving a bewildered Harry and a disgruntled textbook at his feet.  
  
End of chapter 1  
  
'So ppl what did you think? did you think it was funny or downright stupid? anyway's please review I'll really appriatiate it." 


	2. certainly marge

Disclaimer: Sorry, I do not own anything relating to Harry Potter.......that is all.  
  
Chapter 2  
Harry came down to breakfast the next morning still batter and bruised due to his intense fight with the not so polite textbook. How he became battered and bruised because of a 1 minute fight that wasn't really intense you say? Well the author does not feel like being in touch with her politically correct self today, so sod off.   
  
Any way's Harry began to fix the Dursley's breakfast as they were already there waiting not so patiently as Dudley was beginning to foam at the mouth because of his lack of 'nutrition'. Harry began to fix Dudley's favorite things consisting of butter, butter, and more butter with a hint of sugar. Uncle Vernon's consisting of lard, lard, and lard, with a hint of anything that isn't green. Yes, those really do live up to their appearance...........being fat that is.  
  
After fixing everyone's plates the TV on the counter automatically turned on, showing 2 newscasters, an old guy looking suicidal and a woman who has the most biggest grin on her face enough to put the Cheshire cat out of business.  
  
"Hello everyone this is Hercuntis Swollen[1]"Camera goes to the old guy who at the moment had a Uzi pointed at his head, he quickly put it away.  
"And I'm MeAnus Ishurtin, and we are here to give you a live report. A criminal by the name of Sirius Black has escaped from prison. He was reportedly spotted near London yesterday afternoon at a nearby concession stand buying a hotdog. He was also spotted near McDonalds at Jankin's street(A:N made that street up) and has taken residence at Star motel. The police are still unsure of the criminal's whereabouts. Here is the picture of the felon."  
  
Seconds later a picture of a man showed up on screen. He had long black hair, a narrow face, and deep blue eyes. He was lying down on a mattress in a most seductive manner, showing everything except his most private area. He that look in his eyes that clearly said 'I'm going to fuck you' but that was all in Harry's head.  
  
"If you have any information on this person please call 1-800-000-0001. Need I remind you that Sirius Black is armed and extremely sexy....I think I'm going to kill myself."  
  
"Oh don't kid yourself MeAnus. Anyway's this is Hercuntis and where signing off."  
  
Moment's later gunshot's were heard as the TV clicked off. Harry, who was paying attention to the whole thing wondered why they didn't say what prison he escaped from. Harry shook off that thought and went off to more important things like where is Hedwig, and why rats' die in the most funny way's.  
  
"Everyone, I have an annoucement to make.." Eveyone turned towards Uncle Vernon's direction. "I've recieved a letter from aunt Marge saying that she's coming over tonight and is staying here for the rest of the week, and as for you...." Uncle Vernon pointed at Harry with the spoon full of lard. "I aspect you to ain't not weren't act foolish when she's around." Harry stared at him and just had to ask.  
  
"Ain't, not, wer.."  
  
"You know what I was talking about Boy." Uncle Vernon screamed cutting off Harry's remark applying emphasis to the word boy. The name he bestood apon Harry ever since he came to this seventh layer of hell known as the Dursley's house. Harry suddenly had an idea. The permission slip he had recieved to go to Hogsmead along with his Hogwarts letter that the author so foolishly forgot to mention in the last chapter would be his chance to get Uncle Vernon to sign it.  
"And futhermore you are to tell her that you went to Thunkin's school of Bad boys who are Bad, and you better not ain't let anything slip about that other school of yours, do I make myself clear?" Harry's plan began to go into action.  
  
"Well if you say so. I do have to sound convincing, and I just might let something slip..that is if you do something for me." Harry spoke in the most sly way causing Uncle Vernon to act a little nervous.  
  
"Oh, what do you have in mind Boy." Again adding emphasis to the word boy  
  
"Well as you know I've recieved a letter from a certain school, in which came from a certain someone pertaining to a certain place that I need a certain someone to sign this certain slip." Harry was beginning to sound very devious.  
  
"Does this certain someone who gave you that certain slip really need a certain someone to sign it?" Uncle Vernon answer with his own malicious uses of the word certain.  
  
"Certainly."  
  
"Well than I certainly won't sign it." And with that Uncle Vernon went back to eating his meal. Harry who was not going to give up decided to turn up a notch on this little charade.  
  
"Well seeing that this certain person won't sign a certain permission slip for a certain someone, well I guess that certain someone will have to let a certain school slip out of it's mouth and when that certain aunt hears about that certain thing she certainly leave and I am certain she will tell a certain family in which one certain family member would tell a certain boss who will probably fire a certain someone who wouldn't sign a certain permission slip. That I am certain of." Harry answered back rendering Uncle Vernon speechless.  
  
"So will you sign it?"  
  
"Certainly."  
  
***Later when Vernon Brings aunt Marge***  
  
Everyone was seated at the table eating dinner and chatting mildly. This was the worst night that Harry has to experience and what made it worst was that aunt Marge has to stay here for a week. Harry had to sit at the table and endure countless insults from the one and only aunt Marge. Uncle Vernon stared at Harry nervously, hoping he would,'t say anything out of the ordinary and also trying to get Marge to turn away from the subject of Harry.   
  
"So, what school did you sent this boy to?" Aunt Marge asked Uncle Vernon. Marge was feeling a little tipsy after drinking a few martini's that Harry had personaly made for her.   
  
"He's been going to Thinkin's school of Bad Boys who are Bad. The best disciplinary school in England." Vernon spoke with much enthusiam that would clearly convince aunt Marge. Harry was almost convinced........almost.  
  
"Well....serves him right. A boy like Harry needs to go to maximum securiy prison, where he should be locked in the most foul smelling cell and rot. Just like your mother who's rotting in hell right now along with that lowlife husband of hers."   
  
Harry sat there at the table, his face nearly turning red from anger. It was always like this when aunt Marge comes to visit. She basically comes here just to torture him. God why won't she just shut up?! And with that thought Marge just abruptly stopped. Marge was suddening floating in the getting bigger and bigger. Uncle Vernon got up trying to help her down. Harry bolted up from the table and ran up to his room and grabbed his things and headed towards the door. Before opening the door Harry heared a big pop. He headed towards the kitchen and saw a giant twinky floating in midair. Harry stared at it wondering if he really did that. He was expecting her to blow up and pop into little pieces.   
  
"You have to turn her back." Uncle Vernon shouted at Harry eyeing the floating twinky hungrily. Harry knew where this was heading so he refuse to turn her back. What can be more humiliating than being turned into a twinky and being eating by your relatives. He felt that Marge deserved it.  
  
"Please...you....have....to...turn...her..back.." Vernon said while eating the twinky inbetween speaking.   
  
"Sign my permission slip."  
  
"NO! I won't sign it you ungreatful brat." After that Vernon went back to eating the twinky along with Dudley. Angrily Harry grabbed his stuff along with Hedwigs cage with the textbook inside and left out the front door. Harry began walking down the street, the textbook flapping in the cage wildly.  
  
"Well that certainly didn't go the way I planned, that's for certain."  
  
end of chapter 2  
"Okay well that's all for this chapter. As you should know I am doing a parody for each chapter, so being that there's only 22 chapters in the third book than I'll do 22 chapters. So please review thanx." 


End file.
